The further adventures of an earthbound alien

Before I left, I told my daughters that monkeys lived in the park here.
No one ever told me that they did; I just assumed. And after having jogged in the park around the reservoir several times and not seeing any monkeys I began to regret telling her something that I just made up. Well today I saw monkeys. I usually jog on weekdays, in the morning. Today is Sunday and I got a late start. I don’t know if monkeys sleep in or also have jobs that they have to go to during the week, but Sunday about 10 AM they were out. These were some sort of Macaque monkey. They look like how you’d think monkeys would look; long tails and curious little looks. They act like little selfish people. With all their junk hanging down there, dragging in the mud. Apparently they can get pretty mean when they get upset. That’s one of the first things I was told. I visualized a monkey attack. I pictured hundreds of tiny insane people jumping on me with their grabby little hands and sharp, bitey teeth. Reaching, pulling biting…

(I didn't take this picture. I stole it off the web.)
So, now I’m running around the park and these things are all over the place, playing cards and smoking pipes, just leering at me. And I’m wondering how close is too close. “Upset” is such a vague term. Exactly what is the sort of thing that would “upset” a monkey. Will it be like I wandered on to their turf wearing banana pants and holding a “monkeys are pussies” sign? Or will it be like, at the zoo where they’d rather just sit around and finger themselves? (But then again, there was a wall and a moat at the zoo.) Are they upset by people running? Would they get more upset if I sped up or slowed down? I know what to do if a dog starts chasing me when I’m running. But a wild, nutty, pipe smoking, grabby, bitey, little insane person with dirty junk, what would I do?
(As long as I'm stealing photos...)
So, I do what I normally do when I’m confused; I try to think about something else, and I just kept running. One asked me for a banana, but other than that, no problems.
They are nice looking little guys, brown short fur, clean looking. Not like the ones I saw at the Monkey show on Santosa Island. Those were Pigtailed Macaque. They were also cute little guys. They used females for the show because the males were too aggressive.

It was a typical animal show. A very happy guy skips out to center stage, lays a little zoological info on the crowd then spends the rest of the show making fun of them by making the featured animal hoist flags, pull carts and pretend to be pirates. But, no matter what she (the monkey) did the mind would always return to one outstanding feature. (Or should I say and outsitting feature.) Her greatest asset was her butt. It was very colorful; red, blue, green, and it was huge. She had an ass that looked like her psychedelic, rear impact air bag had deployed. It was a mating thing that I won’t get into right now, but the average person can figure it out.
Needless to say I was a little preoccupied, I didn’t really enjoy the show. The monkey would hoist the flag and I’d think, “God what a disgusting ass.” They'd pull the little cart around and I'd think, "God what a disgusting ass. They'd fire up a pipe and I'd think, what a disgusting ass. But they're still loveable:
Next time: God do I miss my wife!